What Should We Reboot Next?

By  · Published on July 12th, 2016

Dear FSR

Ghostbusters, Ocean’s Eleven, and now…?

At some point in your life, you’ve likely been faced with a question that has no solid answer. Some people may take such a puzzle to a trusted confidant, a friendly pastor, or the esteemed annals of Yahoo! Answers. But will they have the expertise needed to solve your most pressing film predicaments?

Think of Dear FSR as an impartial arbiter for all your film concerns. Boyfriend texting while you’re trying to show him your most precious Ozu? What’s the best way to confront the guy who snuck that pungent curry into your cramped theater? This is an advice column for film fans, by a film fan.

Dear FSR,

I’m glad the new Ghostbusters is exciting a new generation about spooky ghosts through the lens of some funny leading ladies. What other famous dude saturated property should be genderbent next?


Bustin’ in Boston

Dear Bustin’,

As our site has a deep commitment to goofy humor, good filmmaking, and riling up terrible pearl-clutching jagbros, I think it’s only fitting that this hypothetical exercise find a subject in the same vein as Ghostbusters. Depending on the success of the reboot, Hollywood studios will learn its lessons the same way.

Let’s see, it’ll need to be a guy-centric comedy romp from the mid-’80s and, just to provoke the worst of the internet, probably something clung to by many man-children. Not only do I think such a movie exists, but that the film itself is the prime candidate for a remake – lots of fun ideas and a sloppy execution partially undone by its era. I’m talking about The Goonies.

The Goonies, one of the ten highest-grossing movies of 1985, is a Steven Spielberg-produced and -written (well, he wrote the original story idea) adventure that makes backyard fantasies real. There really is a treasure map to pirate gold, an underground cove full of booby traps and skeletons, and villainous rivals seeking the same bounty. Starring a cast of boys fitting various “crew” stereotypes (the loudmouth, the tech guy, the lovable leader, the…well, the fat kid), The Goonies is a noisy amusement poster come to life.

A sequel has already been rumored to be coming our way, but then again, so has a cartoon TV show, a musical, and a comic book. Why not just revisit the pirate One-Eyed Willy (maybe we’ll change his name) with a swashbuckling group of puzzle-solving girls?

Besides bringing ladies into an action-adventure, this could also be an opportunity to address some of the problems with the original. Spielberg could do no wrong, which led to a film overwhelmed by its own chaotic irreverence. It’s a handful, like you’re a babysitter rather than a participant. Perhaps it doesn’t necessarily need to be enjoyable for both kids and adults, but there’s a much better movie beneath this premise. A steady hand full of wonder and a group of kids whose characters are more than stereotypes or poundages could bring a treasure hunt to a modern crowd without relegating either gender to the “love interest” sidecar.

When searching for a sleepover movie for kids, there are hundreds of options for a group of boys. Almost every action movie, fantasy movie, and giant franchise has a boy in the center. To find something even close to gender equity in genre leads, you’d need to look to animation and even there it’s not close. Disney princesses are one thing, though they’re slowly being reimagined and reinvented, but depictions of everyday girls in the real world are limited. A group of girls exploring rather than shopping or searching/singing for Prince Charming is a necessary step in our progression towards equality.

Goonies never say die,


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Jacob Oller writes everywhere (Vanity Fair, The Guardian, Playboy, FSR, Paste, etc.) about everything that matters (film, TV, video games, memes, life).