by Rebecca Pahle
Stop what you’re doing right now, because I have some news that’s going to blow the lid RIGHT OFF your naïve, happy little life. You think you can trust the media to tell you the TRUTH?!
You think you can sit your kids down in front of 90 minutes of happy-go-lucky animated entertainment without them turning into GODLESS HEATHENS?! You CAN’T. You’re not safe. None of us are safe. Shrek the Third is an abomination, a disgrace to all freedom-loving Americans. Here’s why:
Reason 1: It has a CAT entering a DONKEY. A DONKEY entering a CAT.
What kind of liberal perversions are the fat cats at DreamWorks trying to show our kids here?!
Watching the scene in Shrek the Third where bumbling magician Merlin performs a body-swapping spell on Donkey and Puss – despite the fact that Donkey and Puss don’t even have insurance, and if that doesn’t scream socialized medicine then you’re too far down the rabbit hole and might as well move to Canada, you commie–it’s plain to any freedom-loving American what sort of sick, immortal bestiality is being cast in a positive light. If our children grow up thinking BESTIALITY is OK, it won’t be long before they start to approve or something even more horrifying: GAY MARRIAGE.
Don’t even get me started on the donkey and the dragon.
Reason 2: LESBIANS!
And speaking of the homosexual agenda, there are several characters in Shrek the Third, princess friends of Fiona’s, who neither have husbands in the film nor are shown to be seeking them. In fact, they TAKE IT UPON THEMSELVES to break out of prison. Don’t they know that’s the job of their husbands, fathers, brothers, or any handy male? Fighting could harm their uteruses! CLEARLY we’re looking at the vile promotion of a lesbian lifestyle here. Shrek the Third is where Pixar got it? WHO DO YOU THINK WILL HAVE ALL THE BABIES, DREAMWORKS?!
Reason 3: Shrek is Green
Not red, white, or blue, but GREEN. Like the color of the flag of Iran. I’m sorry, did I just blow your mind, the way Iran will blow ALL our minds – and our BODIES – if liberal Hollywood has its way? It’s ALL THERE, sheeple. You just have to know where to look.
Reason 4: It’s Pro-Obama
At the end of Shrek the Third a young man named Arthur becomes the king of Far, Far Away. But Arthur doesn’t come from Far, Far Away. He doesn’t go to school in Far, Far Away.
He’s some distant cousin WHO WAS BORN IN A PLACE FAR, FAR AWAY FROM FAR, FAR AWAY. He wears CLOTHES, like MUSLIM TERRORISTS have been known to do. Sound familiar? Shrek the Third even came out in 2007, a mere year before “President” Obama was elected for the second time. Coincidence?! I think not!
Reason 5: The Internet Loves Shrek
And we all know that everyone on the Internet is a godless sodomite who wants to take away our guns and restrict our ability to exercise our religious freedom by making absolutely sure that no one’s out there sinning. Speaking of sinners: THE NAME SHREK. Who ELSE has a name with five letters that starts with S? You don’t get it yet? I’LL WAIT.
Rebecca Pahle is an associate editor for Film School Rejects.