The First (and Probably Only) Annual Junkfood Cinema Awards

By  · Published on December 31st, 2010

Welcome back to that thing the title line said it is! Well another year has passed and you’ve wasted dozens of Fridays scarfing down bad movies until your eyeballs cry out for mercy. Good for you! When Master Chief Neil Miller asked me to a be a part of the Film School Rejects 2010 Year in Review, I cursed him for making me put forth some modicum of effort. I mean honestly, how could I possibly choose my 10 favorite Junkfood Cinema entries when I don’t feel any of them are worth celebrating? So instead, I’ve decidedly to launch what will surely not become a yearly tradition: The Junkfood Cinema Awards. Prepare yourselves…for The Junkies!

Best Worst Videogame Adaptation: Mortal Kombat

For it’s woefully bad script, even more woefullierly bad acting, and inattentiveness to the laws of basic spelling, Mortal Kombat takes top prize of all the videogame film adaptations covered this year. Take that Super Mario Brothers! Both of you! [Read the Full Article Here]

Most Racially Insensitive Children’s Film: The 7 Faces of Dr. Lao

Tony Randall plays a crazy old white guy who pretends to be an Asian stereotype for laughs. Yup, it’s charmingly racist in a whimsically hard to watch type of way. Confucius say…”You’ll be hearing from my lawyer.” [Read the Full Article Here]

Most Wasted Cameo: The Entire Cast of Mars Attacks

Tim Burton aims to sequester all of Hollywood so nobody else could make a movie. But then, like an insane child with a box full of movie star action figures, he proceeds to dispatch every actor with gleefully sadistic abandon. Oh, and Natalie Portman’s in it. [Read the Full Article Here]

Best Ambiguously Gay Superhero: The Phantom

This was not an easy category; so many codpieces and spandex onesies. But in the end, Billy Zane’s ode to Prince’s Purple Rain wins him the rainbow medal if for no other reason than the fact that if not for Treat Williams sending flunkies into his jungle, he would have spent his whole life in a cave with another dude. [Read the Full Article Here]

Most Disgusting Junkfood Pairing: Beereal

In honor of the most nonsensical litmus test of a man’s badassitude, I decided to try topping my cereal with beer instead of milk. If Point Break taught me anything, it’s that throwing up at breakfast is no more pleasant than throwing up at dinner. Gross. [Read the Full Article Here]

Hit the next page to see the final five Junkie Awards in all their sugary glory…

Most Absurd Compliment Paid to a Film: The Awesome Toy Store in Silent Night, Deadly Night

I realize I can get bit esoteric with my compliments, and by that I mean I sometimes rant incoherent like a nine-year-old in the midst of a sugar rush, but there is no denying the greatness of the toy store in Silent Night, Deadly Night. Tron kites, Star Wars playsets and a Krull board game? Why don’t I live in this movie?! Oh right, killer Santa. [Read the Full Article Here]

Worst Use of Football Skills in a Fight Sequence: Flash Gordon

You know how Tom Brady wins a lot of fights? Nope. That’s because being able to squat behind another dude and chuck a ovular wad of pig carcass does not equate to proficiency in combat. Flash takes it a step further by managing to look as bad at football as he does at winning brawls. [Read the Full Article Here]

Musclehead of the Year: Sylvester Schwarzenegger

Yes, in the great race to decide which roided-up, dull-witted, indecipherable jock action star reigned supreme in 2010, we have a tie. Junkfood Cinema covered 3 Sylvester Stallone films and 3 Arnold Schwarzenegger films. In honor of this “achievement” this two-headed amalgamation of beefiness will be the first inductee into the official (if nonexistent) Junkfood Cinema Hall of Fame. [Read Demolition Man and The Running Man]

Most Hilarious Misrepresentation of Mt. Olympus: Hercules in New York

This too was a close race, but in the end it was Hercules in New York that was found to be…the only film in the running. Observe the botanical gardens of Newark State Park ineffectively “transformed” into Mt. Olympus. The only larger logical gap in the film is the one between young Schwarzenegger’s front teeth. [Read the Full Article Here]

Best Guest-Written Junkfood Cinema: Mrs. Junkfood’s Cutthroat Island

In September, during my spiritual journey to the four corners of several Double Dave’s pizza boxes, a slew of guest writers filled in for me. As great as they all were, I pity those that followed my brilliant wife Toni’s hysterical evisceration of Renny Harlin’s titanic pirate flop. I don’t mean to devalue the efforts of Neil Miller, Adam Charles, Jeremy Kirk, Landon Palmer, or even Rob Hunter (earlier that year), but Toni knocked it out of the park in a mocking that still makes me cackle like a demented old witch. Honorable mention to Kevin Kelly who not only filled in for me at the very last minute but, without a word from me, chose the exact movie I had planned to do. [Read the Full Article Here]

Need more nostalgia? Check out the rest of our 2010 Year in Review

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Longtime FSR columnist, current host of FSR’s Junkfood Cinema podcast. President of the Austin Film Critics Association.