Impossible Gift Ideas From 2016 Movies

By  · Published on December 15th, 2016

It’d take literal wishes to pull off this wish list.

Have you finished your holiday shopping yet? With Christmas, Hannukah, and Kwanzaa right around the corner, the chance of you finding those special gifts for those special someones in your life are slimming. As long as the stuff they want are real, existing items, there’s still at least a possibility of finding them in time. But if their wish list includes one of the following very desirable objects and services from this year’s movies, you’re out of luck.

Accounting by Christian Wolff, from The Accountant

With the holidays so close to the new year, a lot of fiscally responsible people out there are already thinking of their 2016 taxes. And if our incoming president has inspired them to find as many loopholes as possible, they will want the best of the best accountants. A gift certificate for ZZZ Accounting would be perfect if the place existed.

Airfare piloted by Chesley Sullenberger, from Sully

Thousands of people had the honor of being flown by Captain Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger prior to him becoming famous as the heroic pilot behind the “Miracle on the Hudson.” Now he’s retired, which is too bad because there are plenty thousand more who’d probably pay extra for the safe feeling of having him at the reigns of their air travel, even if their flight winds up in trouble. Maybe there is a price that could be paid for a private piloting, but it’s doubtful.

Alien language lessons, from Arrival

Without getting into spoilers, there’s a good reason why learning the language of the heptapods is a more desirable wish than learning the language of any other movie alien we’ve seen before. If you’ve seen the movie, you know why a session with Dr. Louise Banks would be an amazing present for just about anyone.

Angels and Devils painting, from Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

How many fans of both comic book movies and fine art left the theater after Batman v Superman wanting to get their hands on a print of Lex Luthor’s dark, Biblical painting that can be hung either vertical way? Unfortunately, it’s not real – well, there’s presumably a prop, which maybe one day could be auctioned for less than what the fictional painting was likely worth. And maybe DC Entertainment will make prints of it someday. Or maybe some artist will create replicas. For now, it’s an impossible find, though you could seek out prints of its inspiration, Gustave Dore’s illustrations for John Milton’s “Paradise Lost.”

Bartending robot, from Passengers

Whether or not it’s true that the movie itself is not very good, the robot bartender “Arthur” would in theory still be an awesome addition to any home. Especially if he looks like Michael Sheen but doesn’t malfunction and smash his head down on and along the bar. As for other amenities seen in the movie, an indoor pool with a zero gravity option sounds like a must-have for thrill-seekers who’ve experienced everything else.

Big Friendly Creature, from The BFG, Pete’s Dragon, and A Monster Calls

It’s probably not ethically right to gift a humanoid creature anyway, so let’s just imagine a world where the BFG was part of some Big Brothers Big Sisters of America type mentoring organization, and the present was actually a donation in the name of the recipient. Or it was being signed up to be mentored by a giant. Maybe the monster from A Monster Calls would be the same. But dragons with the power of invisibility would be fine for purchase, as they’re just like enormous pet cats and dogs with wings.

Briefcase, from Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

The next best thing to a TARDIS is Newt Scamander’s case, which is also bigger on the inside. And filled with fantastic beasts, like the Niffler, which would be a cute gift for someone on its own if it wasn’t liable to steal all your silverware and everything else valuable in your home. That’s before you’d even manage to wrangle it into the wrapping paper.

Bureau of Narcotics and Dangerous Drugs badge, from Elvis & Nixon

There are a couple reasons why this little item isn’t doable, particularly if you wanted it to be authentic and feature the name of the person receiving the gift. One is that unless that person is as cool as Elvis Presley (and fat chance of that), they’d never be worthy of bestowment of an honorary agent badge from the BNDD. The other is that the BNDD no longer exists. Now, an honorary DEA badge… no, that’s probably also impossible for just anyone. There is a manageable gift that is related, at least: a trip to Graceland, where Elvis’s badge is on display.

Chronosphere, from Alice Through the Looking Glass

Never mind what movie it’s from. Any sort of time machine from any sort of movie, so long as it’s safe, is perhaps the most coveted nonexistent item ever (without a time machine to prove this, we can’t be certain there’s been no other). If this particular device only worked in Wonderland, though, that could still be appealing but maybe isn’t ideal for everyone.

Cloak of Levitation, from Doctor Strange

You don’t have to be a superhero or sorcerer supreme to want a cool cloak that has a life of its own. Does it come in all sizes? Does it keep you warm while you’re on the couch watching Netflix? Does it do your chores? Does it beat up your bullies? No, it doesn’t exist at all, and even if it did, it would itself choose who received such a gift, not you.

Crystal necklace, from Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

Necklaces with crystals are easily found, and it’s likely that specifically necklaces made to look like Jyn Erso’s will be officially licensed for sale or replicated on Etsy (or both). But no Earth-made version would be an authentic kyber crystal. And if it were, would anyone rather have it in necklace form or used to make a lightsaber?

Cure for cancer, from Deadpool

Finally, here’s the greatest gift of all, which would be appreciated by anyone in the world, not just the people diagnosed with some form of cancer. Preferably, the cure would come without the physical side effect that Deadpool has, whether or not it was merely a part of a mutant healing factor. Cures for other incurable diseases, such as the one in Miracles from Heaven would also be great, and that kind might only cost the price of prayer.

Related Topics:

Christopher Campbell began writing film criticism and covering film festivals for a zine called Read, back when a zine could actually get you Sundance press credentials. He's now a Senior Editor at FSR and the founding editor of our sister site Nonfics. He also regularly contributes to Fandango and Rotten Tomatoes and is the President of the Critics Choice Association's Documentary Branch.