How Not To Survive Comic-Con 2010

By  · Published on July 21st, 2010

Type in “Comic Con Su” into your local Google search engine, and the fifth most popular thing to come up is a listing of Comic Con Survival Guides. They have become a major staple of the event, and they’re a helpful tool considering the sheer size of the event and the overwhelming spectrum of comic book, television, and film events that go on throughout the week.

However, no matter how helpful these guides are, they essentially say the same thing. Drink water. Wear comfortable athletic shoes. [Insert joke about nobody showering].

Thus, in the spirit of being different and offering some genuine help to Comic-Con attendees, we’ve created a list of 8 ways you could die at Comic-Con 2010.

Come with us if you want to live.

8. Smothered By Free Hugs

The Scenario: Sure, they seem innocent and fun on Thursday, but by Sunday, you might be begging to come up for air. Imagine it: You’re walking down the main corridor, ribs already sore from anonymous strangers’ arms, when a burly dude with a sign touting complimentary embraces steps into your path. He’s not trying to do you harm, but ignorance of his own strength and your fragility is the final gut-wrenching straw that sees your rib broken and shoved up into your heart. You bleed out and suddenly lament dressing up as a zombie.

The PSA: Avoid free hugs at all cost unless they are from attractive young men and women who you might want to get out of their super suits later. If you’re going to risk death, there might as well be a goal in mind.

7. Forgetting To Eat During Kevin Smith’s Speech

The Scenario: Full-well knowing that Kevin Smith is going to be talking from Wednesday through Sunday, and will probably do an encore, you should prepare accordingly and pack a lunch or six. While going without food for four days won’t kill you (unless you’re an escaped Australian prisoner turning to cannibalism after hour three), it will leave you in a considerably weakened state that will lead to death if not attended to. You’ll lumber down the main corridor asking for medical help and suddenly lament dressing up as a zombie.

The PSA: The thing about Hall H? There’s no snacks in there, man. Bring enough Double Downs to last you the duration.

6. Drowning in the Pool on the Roof of the Convention Center

The Scenario: What? You didn’t know there was a pool up there? There totally is. Last year it had a leak. But they fixed it. And you should totally check it out. But don’t drown.

The PSA: Seriously, it’s up there.

5. Deodorant Poisoning

The Scenario: After reading survival guide after survival guide imploring you to shower and wear a ton of deodorant, you take their advice to heart and to armpit. But those negligent guides don’t tell you how much to put on, and after the incessant badgering and Wookie jokes, you go overboard. Little do you know that most deodorants contain Triclosan which is perfectly healthy in small doses but overuse can cause bacteria to become resistant, take over your body, and turn you into a puss-filled pile of former human. Congratulations. You smell great, but you’re dead.

The PSA: Just a few swipes under each arm should do it. For more adventurous odor-blocking, keep your green bottle of Gold Bond to yourself.

4. Challenging Bob Stencil to a Drinking Contest

The Scenario: The mustachioed bane of the celebrities’ existence fancies himself a fan of scotch, but what most fans don’t know is that he’s easily McFlyed into just about anything. However, if you challenge him to a drinking contest, it won’t be him drinking you under the table that kills you (he’s sort of a lightweight). It’ll be him dousing your shots with windshield wiper fluid.

The PSA: Avoid anyone with facial hair and a microphone, or pour your own drinks.

3. Run Over By a Light Cycle

The Scenario: You’re walking down the street on your way to dinner with friends, blissfully recounting the good deals you got on Green Goblin maquettes. Then, a flash of blue. You’re dead. And so is Disney’s promotional venture.

The PSA: Those damned things are going to be everywhere, and they’re bound to slam into someone during the weekend. Make sure it’s not you.

2. Tripping Over Your Own Comic Book Box

The Scenario: It’s Comic-Con, and every hero you’ve ever had is going to be there! What better way to nail down, really hammer it home that you are in love with them and their work and you’re so excited you can’t stand it than to bring your rolling cart of comics with you to have each and every one of them signed? Crowds and fate don’t smile on this, and you’ll most likely either trip over your own box and fall into traffic or you’ll run over Stan Lee’s toe and he’ll beat you to death with the pit bull he carries around with him.

The PSA: Don’t bring your damned comics.

1. Making a Wrong Turn

The Scenario: As we all know, several of the areas cordoned off for Comic-Con have been taken over by alien species with weaponry that’s far superior to our own. These areas are relatively safe, but it’s the alien-infested areas that have also been taken over by zombies that you really have to worry about. Turn down the right back alley at Comic-Con…and you could find anything. Or you could have your brain bitten into while laser gun fire smacks past your ear.

The PSA: This is pretty much the one time you won’t lament dressing up like a zombie. Make like Shaun, play undead, and make it back to Hall H as stumblingly as you can.

How do you plan to stay alive during Comic-Con?

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Movie stuff at VanityFair, Thrillist, IndieWire, Film School Rejects, and The Broken Projector Podcast@brokenprojector | Writing short stories at Adventitious.