Every Girl’s Guide to ‘The Avengers’

By  · Published on May 4th, 2012

Every Girl’s Guide to The Avengers
By Internet Princess Quartney Vagington

Hey, gurrrrls! It’s your BFF Quartney Vagington! I’m gonna save your cute butts again, so get ready to thank me. Your boyfriend has probably looked up from his Xbox a couple times in the last week to say, “Dude, we gotta see The Avengers on Friday! It looks totally sick!” I know Trevor has! I just rolled my eyes and was like, “LOL, whatever you want, honey-bun,” and then I went back to texting.

But guess what, bitches? He’s totes serious about it! Your boyfriend is too, unless he’s like a dork or whatever, in which case, ew, why are you dating a dork? Anyways, me and Trevor are gonna see The Avengers on Friday cuz it’s his turn to choose the movie, cuz he let me choose which Olive Garden we went to last week (the nice one, or the one close to Pinkberry), and so I was like, “Aah! I don’t know what these dumb comic book movies are about!” So then I was like, “Help me, Facebook, LOL!” And so then Facebook was like, “Here are some Tumblrs and Wikis about it!”

So you guys, I totally did some research to help you know what the eff is going on when you see “The Avengers” with your boyfriend! You can thank me later, I accept Hot Topic gift cards, LOL. (P.S. if you do not have a boyfriend then I don’t know what to tell you except that is so sad.)

Who Are ‘The Avengers’?

They are all superheroes who came from other movies to work together and kill a bad guy. It’s like if Edward Cullen, Katniss, and Mr. Darcy made a team to conquer Sue Sylvester before she can sabotage New Directions at regionals.

Captain America: He is super cute, you guys! He used to be all wimpy but then he got buff so he could fight the Hitlers during the World War I, and then he was frozen through history until today. His special power is having a shield. Trivia to impress your boyfriend: Captain America’s last name is not really America! It is Banner.

Iron Man: He is not very cute. He is a man made out of iron. But he is really just a regular man who looks like Sherlock Holmes and has a big, loud suit that’s made out of robots. He also is a jillionaire who dates that skinny skank Gwyneth Paltrow. Trivia to impress your boyfriend: Iron Man was already in two other movies! I don’t know what they were called.

Thorn: Mmmm he has pretty eyes. Mama like! He is from a planet called Ass Guard. His weapon is a giant hammer. (He can hammer me anytime LOL!) Before he was a comic book he was a Norse god, so he knows Norse code. (J/K I know it’s Norris code, like Chuck Norris.) Trivia to impress your boyfriend: Thorn’s hammer is called Mojo!

The Inedible Hulk: OK, this one is confusing. Sometimes he is a regular guy who’s kind of cute in a dorky way. But when he gets mad he turns into a green monster who smashes everything, which is kind of hot if you’re into the brute strength thing. The Hulk has big muscles but I don’t think he’s cute, cuz it’s that thing where he’s like TOO muscly, you know? Also he doesn’t talk. But at least you always know what he’s thinking, right?? Trivia to impress your boyfriend: In the comic books the Hulk is sometimes other colors besides green! It depends on what outfit he’s wearing!

Hawkman: He is kind of the loser of “The Avengers” team because he didn’t already have his own movie. He does not look like a hawk at all! I don’t know how you’re supposed to keep track of this. He is good at archery (like Katniss) and has nice arms (also like Katniss). I don’t think the arrows he shoots are magic, he is just really awesome at aiming them. He is blond and sort of cute. Oh! And he is going to be the new Jason Bourne! So it’s OK if ‘The Avengers’ team doesn’t need him anymore. Trivia to impress your boyfriend: Hawkman is not connected to Batman, even though they are both named after birds!

Black Window: She is a spy played by the chick from that Bill Murphy movie, “Lost at Translation.” She was also in “He’s Just Not That Into You” (love it!). Black Window is the girl superhero! Hooray for girl power! I hope she marries Captain America because he’s the cutest.

Superman: He is not in this movie. That’s pretty dumb, considering he’s like the most famous superhero. Fingers crossed he’ll be in the next one!!

Who Are ‘The Avengers’ Fighting?

They are fighting Lowkey, who is Thorn’s totally less hot brother. Lowkey is responsible for taking Samuel L. Jackson’s eye.

Who Is Samuel L. Jackson?

I forgot to tell you. He is on “The Avengers” team’s side. He is not a superhero, though! He is their coach. He has an eyepatch and hates snakes.

Who of ‘The Avengers’ Has the Cutest Butt?

Come on, that’s shallow.

Anyways, have fun at the movies, girls! If you’re not sure if the movie is good or not just watch your boyfriend and have the same reaction he’s having. And bring your phone so if you get too bored you can text your friends! Just keep it on silent so you don’t bother the boys.


Editor’s Note: Eric D. Snider has been a movie critic since 1999 and has work featured at Film.com, Movies.com, and maintains his own website which features his famous Snide Remarks. With Jeff Bayer, he hosts the Movie BS Podcast. He also has a no-foolin’ journalism degree, and he once did the weather although he probably doesn’t want people seeing the video. He only writes as Quartney when trying to make a satirical point and on Tuesdays.

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