5. Arlene (Death Proof)
The lap dance scene in Death Proof proved to be a very formative moment for me when I saw it as a teenager. Did I want to perform the lap dance on Kurt Russell? Or did I want to be Kurt Russell, receiving a lap dance from Vanessa Ferlito? It’s a question which has haunted me in the years following that first viewing, and it’s a question that persists as I continue to scour recent photos of Kristen Stewart and question to myself if I’d like to kiss her, or if I just want to look like her. Nevertheless, the character of Arlene/Butterfly makes a solid midway point for my list. If I had been listening to Jungle Julia’s radio program, I, too, would’ve probably taken advantage of the potential lap dance provided for me at the cost of one Robert Frost poem recitation. Straight? Gay? Who wouldn’t want a lap dance set to “Down in Mexico” by The Coasters (greatest banger in the history of music) from a girl like Arlene. Are you fucking crazy? And If I had received that lap dance from Arlene, she would probably still be alive. And it would be me joining her at her friend’s lake house. And it would be us getting married. And it would…wait…
4. John “The Hangman” Ruth (The Hateful Eight)
There are now three Kurt Russell characters in the Tarantino canon, but since as I’m writing this I’ve not yet seen Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, and the other character he plays is a woman-hating, murdering psychopath, I figured I’d pick the one that’s slightly less (“slightly” being the keyword here) of a murdering psychopath compared to Stuntman Mike. Now, as I’ve mentioned before, I’m not exactly opposed to being attracted to murdering psychopaths, but Stuntman Mike seems to really have it out for women, and as I happen to be a woman, I think John Ruth would be my safest bet if I want a Kurt Russell character on this dating list as badly as I do. Plus, how can I say no to a man with that long of a mustache and that furry of a coat and hat? There’s something about a tall dude absolutely decked out head to toe in thick furs that really just hits the spot for me, thirst-wise. Kurt Russell is hard to say no to as is, but John “The Hangman” Ruth is even better. I want a guy who’s so good at what he does, he’s got a little second name right in between his full name. That’s the mark of a real man.
3. Dr. King Schultz (Django Unchained)
Thank god Tarantino cast Christoph Waltz in another one of his films as a hero instead of as a Nazi, otherwise, I’d be forced – forced – to put Hans Landa on this list like some goddamn fucking lunatic. But, no, thank god Christoph made his way into Django Unchained on that little horse and buggy with a giant tooth on top of it, so that I may bask in the kindly, bearded, gun-toting goodness that is Dr. King Schultz. Ultimately, I believe there are too many pros both sexually and emotionally for Schultz not to be a great boyfriend for me. Christoph Waltz is pretty hot in any context, but there’s something especially alluring about him as Dr. King Schultz that makes him all that much more appealing to me as a potential suitor. Perhaps it’s his status as a bounty hunter and murderer of racists that adds to his undeniable sex appeal, or maybe it’s his little bowler hat and fabulous matching suit, and let’s not forget about that beard. Schultz’s beard is a thing of beauty akin to John “The Hangman” Ruth’s. Honestly, can you imagine what that three-way would be like? Oh god, all that hair!
2. Sgt. Donny Donowitz a.k.a. The Bear Jew (Inglourious Basterds)
Oh, the Bear Jew. Say what you will about Eli Roth and his gore-happy horror films, seeing him in that wife-beater, jacked-up with those big, glistening, meaty-ass arms while pummeling a Nazi to death with a baseball bat must’ve been something I had in one of my most glorious and arousing dreams. Despite the fact that my Jewish upbringing was bereft of much of the most instrumental traditions, my mother always did say she could see me marrying a nice Jewish boy. And if I ever really were to marry a nice Jewish boy, I think my mother would concur that Donny Donowitz checks all the boxes. He’s a strong, sturdy man with a solid set of morals and a profitable career path. I mean, as I mentioned before, Lieutenant Aldo Raine did say that they’re in the business of killin’ Nazis, and business is a-boomin’. So, there you have it. He’d be an excellent husband and provider to sate the desires of any hopeful mother, Jewish or otherwise. But, honestly, the bottom line here is this: the Bear Jew is thicc as fuck, and I’d like to know what else he can do with that baseball bat of his.
1. Mr. Orange (Reservoir Dogs)
Mr. Orange was the first man I ever fell in love with. A screaming, sweaty, blood-covered, early-thirties Tim Roth, with a face as smooth as a resin casting and hair so slicked-back you could have a slip ‘n slide on it? Yes, please. There is no point during Reservoir Dogs where Mr. Orange doesn’t look hot as hell. Whether reciting the minutia of his fake identity with a fellow police officer, or looking particularly brooding in a white t-shirt and black leather jacket as the gang of criminals he’s infiltrating go over their plan and dole out color-coordinated aliases, or dying in the backseat of Harvey Keitel’s car, Mr. Orange manages to outrank Steve Buscemi in that film for “Hottest Babe Award.” But it’s when he’s shrieking and soaked in his own blood that I find him particularly irresistible. Men, this is your first and final warning: do not speak to me unless you’re sobbing and on the verge of death.