by David Christopher Bell
There seems to be some kind of popular misconception that if aliens were to land on our planet, they’d somehow want to beat us up. In reality, it’s probably going to be the other way around. Want proof? How about the fact that we assume they’d do it to us.
But not every film paints the extraterrestrial as the bad guy, as the following eight clearly show us, good old humanity, as the total asshole side of the exchange.
8.Luke Perry Sucks in The Fifth Element
Specifically Luke Perry. While this technically isn’t first contact, I feel like after 5,000 years of not visiting it can totally count. He doesn’t handle it very well, opting to shoot one with his little Nazi gun despite the aliens being giant golden fat kids with a hunchback clearly incapable of battle. In fact, these aliens kind of suck for the whole movie – later getting blown up by those Duke Nukem pig cops in space.
7. We Send Jerks Into Space in Prometheus
I’m not going to pretend like the aliens weren’t also jerks or anything, but maybe that big white guy would have been less angry if the first thing we asked him for wasn’t to heal some old guy from death. Considering that the big white guy can clearly die himself, that’s like if you taught your dog to talk and it immediately asked for the power of flight.
I love this film… really, I’m one of the few ones who does. But if you’re going to an alien planet… don’t just bring a bunch of people who want stuff. Money, eternal life, to be like T.E. Lawrence… none of these things help. Also, it doesn’t hurt to bring a biologist who understands not to touch a giant, prone, hissing genital creature born from the blackness of a hulking stone face room. That shouldn’t even be something you have to explain to someone.
6. A Soldier Gets Gun Happy in The Day The Earth Stood Still
First rule of first contact: don’t shoot them. Truly, don’t shoot them until they’ve shot at least one of you. I know, it was an accident – but we still look like total dicks that can’t handle our own guns. How were we about to convince Klaatu that we’re peaceful when the first thing we do is shoot him? That’s like throwing a beer bottle at your parole officer’s house instead of ringing the door. Also, you really shouldn’t just show up at your parole officer’s house like that.
And at the end of the film we manage to shoot him again! Again! He dies, then comes back to tell us that we’re all dicks and leaves. That’s real smooth, Earth.
5. Michael Biehn Goes Nuke Happy in The Abyss
Michael Biehn is big on nuking aliens. It’s the only way to be sure. Usually he’s the one saving mankind though, and not the other way around.
I only know two Michael Biehn films besides The Abyss. The Terminator and Tombstone. I know four Michael Biehn films along with Planet Terror. I think it’s because he has a mustache in this film is why he’s bad – right? The James Cameron/Michael Biehn formula has to be mustache + Biehn = bad.
Was he in Navy Seals? We sure screwed it up if our first contact is having to talk down an alien species from literally washing us off the face of the earth – at least if you’re one for extended editions of films. Seriously, The Abyss if fun – but the extended edition rocks.
The Rock. He was also in that.
4. The Government Traumatizes A Little Boy in E.T.
Let’s all just think for a second what E.T. must have said to the rest of them when he got in that ship. We’re lucky they didn’t rainbow on back and Independence Day the shit out of us ten minutes after they left. We were dicks to that alien and his little kid friends.
Sure, he might try to explain to them that not ALL humans were hazmat monsters inexplicably wielding walkie-talkies like there were guns, but are they going to listen to him? They didn’t even notice when they left him on Earth! He had to freaking call for a ride.
3. We’re Just All-Around Jackasses in District 9
I think, much like Elysium, this film is so allegorical that it’s also ridiculously unrealistic at the same time. Like any dystopia in movies, there’s no actual way we’d get to a point where aliens were just stuffed in camps and fed cat food because they looked kind of weird. Like, there are a lot of steps along the way that we’re missing.
It’s like how in The Hunger Games people are just angrily going along with this elaborate child-murdering measure like it’s this unavoidable way of life instead of continuously fighting tooth and nail. What’s to stop these aliens from just using all those guns and shit and just taking over a city? Is cat food really that good? My sources say no.
You got me. I ate cat food once as a kid.
Ok. James Cameron, look… I am a fan. I love what you’ve done. You helped design the Predator alien and that’s like, huge man. I even like Titanic. Big fan of Titanic…
But Avatar… I don’t know how to put it… Look. James Cameron, I totally get it. You’re old; you don’t want to leave Southern California if you don’t have to. I get it. Studios have air conditioning. But it just… wasn’t a good movie. It was a bad movie. I’m sorry. And I know this is like… so non-topical to say anymore, but you’re doing like five more of these so it can’t hurt, right?
You spent nearly $300M and invented new technology to do what Fern Gully and Pocahontas kind of did already for way less money in the 90s. You do remember the 90s right? Please tell me you remember the 90s.
And it took you like twelve years to do it to! Why did it take you so long? Why? It didn’t take you that long to make your good movies. Did you not see Dances With Wolves in all those years and think that maybe it’s a stupid thing to set in space? Oh wait, you knew that. You said it was Dances With Wolves in space. Were you just depressed? I just don’t get it.
You need to film something outside, with real people in it. Please, James Cameron…
1. The Men In Black Don’t Tell Anyone And Are Generally Terrible
This isn’t the first time I’ve gone off on these losers. They are losers, you know. All of them. They discover alien life, right? Aliens come down to Earth and say “Hi.” So they completely cover it up and make a deal with the aliens to use Earth as a neutral zone for like, whoever feels like showing up. A neutral zone is of course the area where – if there were a feud between two races – they could both duke it out.
In exchange they get Velcro and microwaves to sell to the Earth’s unknowing human race. So basically Earth’s first contact became a shakedown that helped no one but a bunch of dicks in suits and shitty looking aliens who could come here whenever they please and threaten Earth while the MIB tries to quietly handle it while keeping any knowledge from us.
They’re the Walter White of sci-fi.
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