The Daily Itinerary of an Umbrella Corp CEO

By  · Published on September 14th, 2012

Welcome back to Junkfood Cinema; we caught a bad case of Mr. T-Virus after watching D.C. Cab. You’ve shambled your way into the Internet’s most desolate landscape. We have survived the apocalypse of taste and logic and what remains are ravenous hordes of slack-jawed goons hellbent on consuming as much garbage as inhumanly possible. These monsters tear apart the tasty flesh of bad movies, devouring the flaws with growls of snark. But then, out of nowhere and completely scoffing at the laws of physics, the flaxen haired heroine of irrepressible adoration somersaults through the air and puts a bullet in the heads of all those undead jabs. Once the horde has been beaten back, we will celebrate with a themed snack food that will do to our stomachs what Alice does to the infected.

You may have noticed references in that previous paragraph to the Resident Evil franchise. Well, we laid them on pretty thick so don’t go patting yourself on the back too hard there, A.O. Scott. This week, we’re getting the sixteenth…or eighth…or possibly just fifth Resident Evil movie. So in honor of the release of Resident Evil: Redundancy, we thought we’d shine a blinding spotlight on the franchise’s misunderstood, admittedly dastardly, Umbrella Corporation. Surely, they can’t be as bad as they are, right? True, they are in fact THE resident evil of Resident Evil, but what did they really do beyond create a virus that destroyed the world and then continued to make worse and worse monsters for seemingly no reason at all. We managed to snag the daily itinerary from current CEO Umberto B. Rella. Here’s how a puppet master spends his time…

8:30am – Breakfast with Emperor Palpatine.

9:00am – Verify we are still the most evil company in the world. Competitors to research: Weyland-Yutani, OCP, Fox News.

9:30am – Order more dog food for inexplicably never-ending pack of zombie dogs. They prefer Kibbles ‘n Bits of Flesh.

10:00am – Refute rumors that our zombie outbreak somehow caused a global climate shift. We may be evil, but that’s just idiotic.

10:15am – Punch a vagrant.

10:30am – Meet with R&D to try and figure out why we keep resurrecting the one woman who proves time and time again to be our undoing.

That’s the one.

11:00am – Hire new marketing team to promote our initiative to be a softer, friendlier, more morally upstanding corporation.

11:30am – Murder marketing team and leave their bodies in the desert.

12:00pm – Check on our shockingly floundering umbrella sales.

12:30pm – Evil lunch.

1:30pm – Engineering Meeting: Must green light seventeen new subterranean bunkers around the world. Also, discuss bonuses for the team who managed to build a bunker the size of Tokyo…under Tokyo…without anyone noticing.

2:00pm – Execute someone and turn them into a monster.

2:30pm – Google funny cat videos.

3:00pm – Golf with Skeletor.

A 4-handicap with his custom putter.

3:30pm – Execute someone and turn them into a bigger monster.

4:00pm – Meeting with Yuen Woo-Ping. Make him see his lawsuit that claims Resident Evil: Afterlife blantantly ripped off his fight sequence from The Matrix is frivolous.

4:15pm – Bitterly make substantial contribution to the Yuen Woo-Ping foundation and martial arts school.

4:30pm – Teach operatives how to shoot. Current weapon accuracy is as ridiculous as a flock of zombie birds.

5:00pm – Get car washed to remove large amount of zombie bird droppings.

5:15pm – Fire assistant.

5:30pm – Put out assistant, send her to burn ward. Hire new assistant.

6:00pm – Blow something up. Possible target: the parking lot formerly known as Paris.

No one liked it anyway.

7:00pm – Shop for ominous and imposing modern office furniture at BADGUYKEA.

8:00pm – Home in time for The Voice.

8:30pm – Sketch ideas for annual meeting. Idea 1: Hire once prominent, but clearly senile filmmaker to disparage our competitors by speaking to an empty chair while pretending it’s their CEO.

8:31pm – Scrap Idea 1 on the grounds that it is totally moronic.

9:00pm – Flame Milla Jovovich on Facebook. “I guess the missing sixth element is plot consistency.” Burn.

10:00pm – Climb into giant, four-post pile of money and sleep soundly.

You see there? The guy is human just like you and me. Just goes to show you that before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes…over the bodies of the slain zombies their deadly virus created. Right. Forget what I said before. Shut it down.

Junkfood Pairing: Umbrella Jelly Pops

What? You’ve never heard of umbrella jelly pops? Well, that’s actually very reasonable. They are a popular candy in China that are shaped like umbrellas. The appropriateness of this snack should be self-evident, but then I went and explained it, didn’t I? Damn you, Umbrella Corp!

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Longtime FSR columnist, current host of FSR’s Junkfood Cinema podcast. President of the Austin Film Critics Association.