The No Joke Tetris Movie Trilogy

By  · Published on June 30th, 2016

Our exclusive look at the origin of Hollywood’s next great franchise.

Not to brag or anything, but I’m really good at insults. Like, if I’m walking with a friend and they stumble, I’ll go, “Walk much?” Ha! Classic. Sometimes, if I’m feeling particularly facetious, I’ll add an “idiot” or “bitch” to the end of it. It really hammers the point home that they just did something that deserves my derision, and hopefully, the embarrassment of the situation will ensure that they don’t do that stupid thing again. I’m actually helping them, honestly. If I feel the degree of their mishap deserves a more superlative mockery, I’ll phrase it in such a way like, “Don’t worry, you’ll learn to walk better soon … when pigs fly!” Pigs can’t fly and never will. Get it? This poor fool just got destroyed. Really, any idiom to that effect will work: “when hell freezes over”, “on the twelfth of never”, et cetera, et cetera. Before just a couple of days ago, I could’ve easily used, “when Tetris becomes a movie”, and any audience or eavesdropping bystander around would’ve lost their collective shit on the greatest burn of all time. But the probability Gods just middle fingered all my understanding of what will and won’t happen. Not only is Tetris going to be a movie, it’s a story so grand that it warrants a trilogy.

My first inclination was obviously to ridicule this event. Plenty of other people are. But I believe I had an epiphany: I shan’t tease! Nay, I shall honor thee instead! The impossibility of such a thing happening (a cinema-fication of a game with no narrative, no protagonist, and no antagonist, just shape stacking) deserves much, much more than my contempt. On the contrary, it deserves the highest praise. Who is Lawrence Kasanoff? Is this producer going to bring us a Tetris epic in the vein of his less than stellar filmography, your Mortal Kombats and whatever the hell A Gnome Named Gnorm is?

One day, In like maybe a thousand years, a supercomputer will be powerful enough to help me process what the hell I’m looking at, because my brain can’t even right now.

I say no. He’s going to bring the fun, a la True Lies. He was an executive producer there, and that movie is the dopest. He’s too passionate about this. He’s already secured an $80 million production. Think about that. Really, think about that. This guy – I assume – walked into some fancy-pants, corporate board room, pitched a Tetris movie to some schmucks, had the gall to push for a trilogy, and walked out with $80 million. What an inspiration! I want to see that movie. The movie about a guy with nothing but confidence and immeasurable quantities of swag performing the greatest hustle of all time. And if that’s what I want, I just have to ask myself one question: what would Lawrence Kasanoff do? He’d go get it done. In that spirit, I’ve already written a scene of this Lawrence Kasanoff biopic movie I’m going to get made. I’ve titled the film: Making Tetris (The Movie, Not The Game (Sorry For The Confusion)).

All I need is $80 million.

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