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Bigger Than a Barn: The One Perfect Monster Bracket

Last year the One Perfect Shot team went in search of the One Perfect Binge. In 2021, we’ve built a bracket that will help us name cinema’s One Perfect Monster.
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By  · Published on March 25th, 2021

Matchup 5 – T-Rex vs. The Last Elemental

Monster Bracket Round Trex Vs Lastelemental

The case for T-Rex: The T. Rex from Steven Spielberg’s 1993 classic Jurassic Park is, frankly, a bad bitch. No fences can hold her and no pack of Velociraptors can defeat her. She fights back against the genetic tyranny of her maker John Hammond by picking off humans one by one and solidifies herself as the world’s scariest slasher villain. This is a monster on a mission for freedom and she will not be stopped. She may not be the biggest monster on the list, but she makes up for that with her sheer rage. This T. rex screams “women’s rights” while smashing her enemies with her massive tail and razor-sharp teeth. (Mary Beth McAndrews)

The case for The Last Elemental: It’s regrettable that there aren’t more monsters from the films of Guillermo del Toro on this bracket — many were disqualified by the size requirement. But there’s no debating whether The Last Elemental, the massive plant-based monster from Hellboy II: The Golden Army, deserves to be here. This entity was the last of a species of Forest Gods that may have seeded all life on planet Earth. That’s an incredible show of strength if you ask me. The 50-foot-tall version of this ancient creature that we get in Hellboy II is also notable for having perhaps the saddest death scene of any creature on this list. Reader, I cried. (Neil Miller)

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Matchup 6 – Stay Puft vs. Rodan

Monster Bracket Round Staypuft Vs Rodan

The case for The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man: Tasked with choosing the physical form of humanity’s destroyer, Ray tried to think of the most harmless thing he could. But, in a devastating monkey’s paw, Ray failed to account for the gleeful malice of his ooey, gooey harbinger of choice. Providing the Sumerian god Gozer with a corpulent vessel, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man’s delicious, goopy fury knows no bounds. Sure, humanity has been assailed by less puffy, adorable monsters. But do you want to eat Gorgo? Do you want to dip a graham cracker in the Blob? This dichotomy is at the heart of Stay-Puft’s menace; a cognitive dissonance that twists fond memories of childhood into an unimaginable, world-ending nightmare. Sometimes it’s the ones we love who hurt us most. No matter how cute, given the right circumstances, anything can be monstrous. “Something that could never, ever possibly destroy us?” Nice thinking, Ray. (Meg Shields)

The case for Rodan: In its most recent iteration, Rodan got a bit of a glam-up to become “The Fire Demon” in Godzilla: King of the Monsters, but I can assure you that the 1956 original is also plenty-terrifying. Appearing in legendary studio Toho’s first film to be shot in color, Rodan is an irradiated prehistoric species of Pteranodon that can fly at supersonic speeds and create sonic waves and windstorms with its wings. If you’re going to defeat this bird of prey, you’re going to need more than another monster. Try a volcano. (Neil Miller)

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Matchup 7 – The Balrog vs. The Eborsisk

Monster Bracket Round Balrog Vs Eborsisk

The case for The Balrog: What sends hoards of goblins running for cover? What felled Gandalf the Grey? That would be the creature that resides deep in the mines of Moria; a towering figure of ash and cinder known as Durin’s Bane, a corrupt Balrog of Morgoth. Fuelled by a fire fierce enough to light up the darkest pit, Durin’s Bane is magma incarnate. But make no mistake: this is not a physical being. This is shadow and flame. And it has a goddamn whip. Durin’s Bane is a volcanic nightmare imbued with furious purpose. Namely, and emphatically: to absolutely wreck any and all foolish enough to re-awaken it. (Meg Shields)

The case for The Eborsisk: Never have you seen something so disgusting as the Eborsisk in the criminally underrated fantasy film, Willow (1988). This stop-motion creation is a work of genius from just a design standpoint as it both repulses with this slimy brown skin and gaping maw of jagged teeth. About the height of a castle, this creature was born out of a mistake from the titular character, which means this is a one-of-a-kind monster the likes of which we will never see again. This bastardization of a dragon in all of its fire-breathing glory is sure to scorch any enemy in its path no matter their size. (Mary Beth McAndrews)

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Matchup 8 – The Blob vs. The Evil Stare

Monster Bracket Round Blob Vs Evil Stare

The case for The Blob: It hurtled through space, encased in a meteorite, and this small California ski town has another thing coming. Viscous, visceral, and most of all hungry, the Blob is here and it has one goal: to get as big as it possibly can. Why specify the 1988 version? How different could an intergalactic pile of snot really be? While ye old Blob deserves respect for being a bonafide B-Movie icon. But its campy gait makes it too easy to dismiss. The 80s Blob on the other hand is…wait a minute, what happened to my hand? Oh god! Unlike its predecessor, the 1988 Blob is fast, intelligent, and distressingly corrosive. By the film’s frantic conclusion, the Blob towers and jiggles, hungry as ever, blood-shot with decomposing victims and a far cry from the translucent puddle that hurtled to earth with nothing but big dreams and an even bigger appetite. (Meg Shields)

The case for The Evil Stare: All monsters are special in their own way, but when it comes to their design the similarities often add up. Reptilian creatures are popular. for example, meaning the difference between a Godzilla and a Gorgo are pretty slim. Knowing this, the creators of Big Man Japan decided to go in entirely new directions with their creatures — resulting in the pure glory that is the Evil Stare Monster. The creature wields its singular eye as a weapon capable of being hurled at enemies via a retractable tendril dangling between its legs. I’ll give you a moment to take that in. The creature is basically a giant furball with smooth arms and legs — and that phallic eye stalk ready to be tossed at foes, tied around opponents, or simply used to slap enemies into submission. Try looking this one in the eye, if you dare. (Rob Hunter)

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Matchup 9 – King Kong vs. George

Monster Bracket Round Kingkong Vs George

The case for King Kong: Humanity is a plague. We tear through this world, ripping whatever we want out of the ground, making meals from the animals that were here before us. King Kong was the first creature to bash against our ravenous greed. We went to Skull Island looking to make dollars from wonders, and we found Kong. He showed how awe comes with terror, and only when he tired from yanking limbs from slack-jawed city slickers did Carl Denham’s gang get the jump on him. He may have fallen from our tallest spire, but out of his sacrifice, hundreds upon hundreds of giant monsters rose. King Kong birthed a genre, and none of these other beasties on this bracket would be here without him. Attention must be paid. (Brad Gullickson)

The case for George: Admittedly, George from Rampage is one of the younger cinematic monsters competing in this bracket. And he drew a very tough first-round opponent in Kong. And The Rock isn’t here to help him. But what George lacks in experience and star power, he certainly makes up for with plenty of brute strength, untethered rage, and a connection to a very fun video game from the 90s. Will younger audiences rally around their obviously-King-Kong-inspired albino gorilla? Is George ready to smash this bracket? Bring your mutagenic substances and we’ll find out. (Neil Miller)

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Matchup 10 – Ymir vs. Cthulhu

Monster Bracket Round Ymir Vs Cthulhu

The case for Ymir: Ymir is no lightweight contender. He’s a brawler, a real Rocky. He takes whatever we throw at him and keeps pushing forward. Stolen from his native Venus and crashed upon our shores, he gets to work on Earth as a wee little brute. Humans poke and prod and Ymir grows a little courage alongside some height. By film’s end, he’s a proper titan gleefully transforming Rome’s Colosseum into granite ammunition. Ymir hurls bricks at soldiers and they give him their best shot—bullets, rockets, and flamethrowers, oh my. Gravity is his ultimate enemy, but can we trust the fall to have killed him. No way. Ymir may hit the mat, but he’ll always get back up. He forever has another ten rounds in him. (Brad Gullickson)

The case for Cthulhu: The tentacled Elder God from the mythology of H.P. Lovecraft makes a surprise performance at the end of the 2020 film Underwater. A drilling facility has dug six miles under the ocean’s surface to the bottom of the Mariana Trench. In search of oil, they awaken the slumbering Cthulhu. He is an interdimensional being, whose mind has crossed time and space, unlike many of the other monsters on this list. Yes, they may come from space, but Cthulhu transcends human perception of reality. Not only is this a massive aquatic god, but he also has an army of humanoid fishmen with sharp claws and a bloodlust for those invading their home. Sorry, Godzilla, but you aren’t the only god-like being out there. Cthulhu is coming for you. (Mary Beth McAndrews)

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