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Bigger Than a Barn: The One Perfect Monster Bracket

Last year the One Perfect Shot team went in search of the One Perfect Binge. In 2021, we’ve built a bracket that will help us name cinema’s One Perfect Monster.
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By  · Published on March 25th, 2021

Matchup 3 – T-Rex vs. Stay Puft

One Perfect Monster Round Trex Vs Staypuft

The case for T-Rex: The T. Rex from Steven Spielberg’s 1993 classic Jurassic Park is, frankly, a bad bitch. No fences can hold her and no pack of Velociraptors can defeat her. She fights back against the genetic tyranny of her maker John Hammond by picking off humans one by one and solidifies herself as the world’s scariest slasher villain. This is a monster on a mission for freedom and she will not be stopped. She may not be the biggest monster on the list, but she makes up for that with her sheer rage. This T. rex screams “women’s rights” while smashing her enemies with her massive tail and razor-sharp teeth. (Mary Beth McAndrews)

The case for Stay Puft: Tasked with choosing the physical form of humanity’s destroyer, Ray tried to think of the most harmless thing he could. But, in a devastating monkey’s paw, Ray failed to account for the gleeful malice of his ooey, gooey harbinger of choice. Providing the Sumerian god Gozer with a corpulent vessel, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man’s delicious, goopy fury knows no bounds. Sure, humanity has been assailed by less puffy, adorable monsters. But do you want to eat Gorgo? Do you want to dip a graham cracker in the Blob? This dichotomy is at the heart of Stay-Puft’s menace; a cognitive dissonance that twists fond memories of childhood into an unimaginable, world-ending nightmare. Sometimes it’s the ones we love who hurt us most. No matter how cute, given the right circumstances, anything can be monstrous. “Something that could never, ever possibly destroy us?” Nice thinking, Ray. (Meg Shields)

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Matchup 4 – The Balrog vs. The Blob

One Perfect Monster Round Balrog Vs Blob

The case for The Balrog: What sends hoards of goblins running for cover? What felled Gandalf the Grey? That would be the creature that resides deep in the mines of Moria; a towering figure of ash and cinder known as Durin’s Bane, a corrupt Balrog of Morgoth. Fuelled by a fire fierce enough to light up the darkest pit, Durin’s Bane is magma incarnate. But make no mistake: this is not a physical being. This is shadow and flame. And it has a goddamn whip. Durin’s Bane is a volcanic nightmare imbued with furious purpose. Namely, and emphatically: to absolutely wreck any and all foolish enough to re-awaken it. (Meg Shields)

The case for The Blob: It hurtled through space, encased in a meteorite, and this small California ski town has another thing coming. Viscous, visceral, and most of all hungry, the Blob is here and it has one goal: to get as big as it possibly can. Why specify the 1988 version? How different could an intergalactic pile of snot really be? While ye old Blob deserves respect for being a bonafide B-Movie icon. But its campy gait makes it too easy to dismiss. The 80s Blob on the other hand is…wait a minute, what happened to my hand? Oh god! Unlike its predecessor, the 1988 Blob is fast, intelligent, and distressingly corrosive. By the film’s frantic conclusion, the Blob towers and jiggles, hungry as ever, blood-shot with decomposing victims and a far cry from the translucent puddle that hurtled to earth with nothing but big dreams and an even bigger appetite. (Meg Shields)

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Matchup 5 – King Kong vs. Cthulhu

One Perfect Monster Round Kong Vs Cthulhu

The case for King Kong: Humanity is a plague. We tear through this world, ripping whatever we want out of the ground, making meals from the animals that were here before us. King Kong was the first creature to bash against our ravenous greed. We went to Skull Island looking to make dollars from wonders, and we found Kong. He showed how awe comes with terror, and only when he tired from yanking limbs from slack-jawed city slickers did Carl Denham’s gang get the jump on him. He may have fallen from our tallest spire, but out of his sacrifice, hundreds upon hundreds of giant monsters rose. King Kong birthed a genre, and none of these other beasties on this bracket would be here without him. Attention must be paid. (Brad Gullickson)

The case for Cthulhu: The tentacled Elder God from the mythology of H.P. Lovecraft makes a surprise performance at the end of the 2020 film Underwater. A drilling facility has dug six miles under the ocean’s surface to the bottom of the Mariana Trench. In search of oil, they awaken the slumbering Cthulhu. He is an interdimensional being, whose mind has crossed time and space, unlike many of the other monsters on this list. Yes, they may come from space, but Cthulhu transcends human perception of reality. Not only is this a massive aquatic god, but he also has an army of humanoid fishmen with sharp claws and a bloodlust for those invading their home. Sorry, Godzilla, but you aren’t the only god-like being out there. Cthulhu is coming for you. (Mary Beth McAndrews)

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Matchup 6 – Mothra vs. Graboid

One Perfect Monster Round Mothra Vs Graboid

The case for Mothra: Oh, Mothra, my winged queen. She only wants the best for the world and the people who worship her. In her 1961 premiere film, aptly named Mothra, she is not attacking humankind to bring about their destruction, but rather to save two young women stolen from their homes for the amusement of others. Essentially, Mothra is an anti-colonial and anti-capitalist creature who simply wants justice. What other monster on this list can claim such intentions? (Mary Beth McAndrews)

The case for the Graboid: These monsters are flesh-hungry, blood-thirsty carnivores who will eat just about anything in their path, (bonus points if it’s alive). They are relentless. They are much, much faster than humans. Oh, and you usually can’t see them. Known for their chilling appearance in Tremors (1990), a film about small-town Nevadans forced to fight the wrath of these slithering underground beasts, the Graboids’ invisibility gives other monsters a run for their money. I mean, at this point, I’d kind of rather just see the things – heinous slimy bodies and Demogorgon-style four-pronged mouths and all. Monsters that linger under your feet at all times, silent and stealthy, ready to attack? They put even Godzilla to shame if you ask me. (Aurora Amidon)

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Matchup 7 – King Ghidorah vs. The Mist Behemoth

One Perfect Monster Round Ghidorah Vs Behemoth

The case for King Ghidorah: Move over King Kong, King Ghidorah is Godzilla’s true arch-nemesis. This three-headed intergalactic dragon was introduced in Ghidorah, The Three-Headed Monster (1964). Born from a meteor, this is one of the few kaiju that couldn’t just be defeated by Godzilla. Instead, he has to call back-up from Mothra and Rodan. So, in monster-to-monster combat, no single creature in this bracket would stand a chance against such a beast. I mean, Ghidorah was given the title of “king” for a reason. (Mary Beth McAndrews)

The case for The Behemoth: The Mist’s Behemoth might very well take the title of Stephen King’s most terrifying monster – and that’s with fierce competition (killer clown Pennywise and murderous car Christine, we haven’t forgotten about you). The Behemoth is a giant, tentacle-clad, six-leg wielding beast. But the scariest part of the Behemoth is that it hides in a giant cloud of mist so you don’t really know when it’s creeping up on you. And there’s only one thing that’s scarier than a monster that has a gruesome and menacing appearance: it’s a monster that lurks imminently in the shadows; a monster that you don’t know is going to pounce until it does. (Aurora Amidon)

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Matchup 8 – Megalodon vs. Cloverfield

One Perfect Monster Round Meg Vs Cloverfield

The case for Megalodon: The terror we endured watching The Meg was pretty much worth it just to hear Jason Statham say: “it’s the Megalodon.” The Meg is a giant prehistoric shark thought to be extinct that comes back to terrorize everyone in its wake. And when we say giant, we mean twenty-five meters giant. It’s strong, it’s fast, and it’s hungry – basically everything you don’t want in a shark. The Meg is like Jaws but on steroids. If that doesn’t convince you that it’s one of the most insane and impressive monsters out there, then I don’t know what will. (Aurora Amidon)

The case for Cloverfield: New York City getting destroyed by a monster: tired. New York City getting destroyed by a baby monster captured via handheld camera: wired. Cloverfield (2007) made a monster to be remembered, particularly as it was the first one to be captured via found footage. But, importantly, this monster is merely a baby. In the film, it had just been born and its confusion about where it has awoken manifests in utter chaos: it topples skyscrapers as if they’re made of building blocks and rips off the head of Lady Liberty herself. Not to mention it sheds human-sized parasites whose bites cause their victims to explode. The monster as a newborn is about 300 feet tall, and that’s just when it’s walking on fours. Just imagine a full-grown, bipedal creature covered in nasty parasites. It would put any other mega monster to shame. (Mary Beth McAndrews)

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Voting for the Second Round is open until Saturday, March 13th. Revisit the results of the First Round on the next page.

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