Earlier today I posted a trailer for a film called Vanishing Waves, and while I haven’t seen the movie yet I was extremely moved and excited by the trailer itself. The result? I’m really looking forward to seeing the film.
But sometimes a trailer can have the opposite effect. Sometimes a trailer can make you wish someone would immediately rip out your eyes and rape your skull with Tchéky Karyo’s bad right arm.
This is that trailer.
First off, I’m so sorry for suggesting you watch that. Truly. But second off, what the hell are these people thinking?
Forget the fact that the lightning in a fishnet-covered bottle that is the original A Christmas Story will never be captured again. Forget the fact that Daniel Stern is no Darren McGavin and Braedon Lemasters (?) is no Peter Billingsly. Forget that it appears to feature little more than recycled gags and dialogue from the first movie. Forget that director, Brian Levant, is the same man who brought us Snow Dogs, The Flintstones, Problem Child 2 and other winners. And forget the fact that the original Flick’s (Scott Schwartz) odd career detour into porn is guaranteed to be funnier than this most unnecessary and unwanted of sequels.
No, the most offensive element of this trailer is its repeated claim of “official sequel” status. Did the marketing wizards assigned this bomb not notice the lack of Jean Shepherd’s input here? (He died in 1999, but still…) And are they unaware of the very real sequel Shepherd did write and produce called It Runs In the Family? Granted, that took Ralphie and his family away from Christmas and into summer vacation, but it still stands as the true official sequel even with Charles Grodin in the old man role.
It’s also worth noting that WB announced last month that their direct to DVD label, Warner Premiere, will be shuttering its doors later this year due to waning interest from consumers. A Christmas Story 2 will be their final release. If only these dadgummit blah consumers had waned a few months earlier…
The official synopsis for this future classic is below.
Years after realizing his childhood dream of getting a Red Ryder BB gun for Christmas, 16-year-old Ralphie (Braeden Lemasters) sets his bespectacled sights on a gift of the four-wheeled variety in this belated sequel to the Bob Clark’s beloved 1983 classic A Christmas Story. As the snow begins to fall and the carolers start to sing, Ralphie dreams of waking up on Christmas morning to find the keys to a 1938 Hupmobile Skyline Convertible dangling from the tree, and embracing a whole new world of freedom as he cruises the streets of Hohman, Indiana in style. Home Alone alumni Daniel Stern takes over for the late Darren McGavin as The Old Man, with Stacey Travis, David Buehrle, David W. Thompson, and Valin Shinyei sounding out the supporting cast as Mrs. Parker, Schwartz, Flick, and Randy respectively.”
A Christmas Story 2 comes out sometime this year, but let’s not pretend that anyone is going to watch it or care.