Now that The Movie Style Guy has got you geared up to be the next Indiana Jones, you’re gonna need some accessories that you can’t get at the fedora store. In fact, step one is to avoid being seen at a fedora store. Step two is top secret, but FSR is more than happy to present steps three through eight.
You can’t step out your front door without getting a whip first. You can buy whips through most major online retailers and some local sporting goods stores, although you should avoid stores with “pleasure” and “palace” in the name. With some easy hunting, you can even buy replicas of Indy’s own ten foot bullwhip. “Am I ready for adventure?” you ask rhetorically. No! You’ll still need to clock several hundred hours practicing your technique on soda cans and low hanging beams. And since we’re never careful here at FSR but want others to be, check out the safety tips at Bullwhip.org. Most of the advice seems to focus on not utilizing your whip in the presence of infant children, which takes most of the fun out of it.*
Grow a Pair
Most of Indy’s appeal is that he appears to be fearless unless you take him to the Herpetarium at the zoo. He appears fearless, but in fact, to have courage you have to have fear. Pretty deep, I know. That’s how Indy rolls. Despite constantly being run over by tanks, being chopped to pieces by rotary blades and facing Hitler’s bad breath, Dr. Jones’s passion for finding dusty artifacts and fighting evil outweighs the threat of bodily harm. Start off by facing limited danger like insulting a rabid dog or asking your boss for a raise. Then, have your friends set booby traps in your house for you to navigate. You’d be surprised how brave you’ll be after surviving the poison darts that fly out of your microwave. Get experience facing tough stuff, and parachuting off the Sphynx will look like just another day at the office.
Don’t Have a Plan
Preparing beforehand is for losers and Communists. Planning makes you inflexible, and situations can change at the drop of a fedora. According to Scientific Proof Monthly (a magazine which may or may not exist), planning and organizing shuts down your Amygdala – the animal part of your brain. You become focused on the plan, disregarding new information that might change whether you follow through in heading to Beirut or switch gears to go save your family in Moscow. Friends can help with this one, too. Have a close one steal your car without telling you when and where he or she does it. The new paradigm will force you to think on your feet, both figuratively and literally. If that seems drastic, try taking an Improv course at your local comedy club or regional theater.
Despite most people believing you have to be born with the gift of sarcasm, there are a few tricks that can help you fake it. For starters, the next time someone threatens your life, instead of wetting yourself, do what Indy does: insult your attacker in a calm voice. After all, he or she is probably going to monologue for a while or needs your help to find an old bejeweled dagger or something. Assess the situation, and if you know for sure they aren’t going to kill you, promise them in a matter-of-fact tone that you’ll cause them specific bodily harm once you get free. If there’s a chance they might end you, accepting your own demise gives you the freedom to find humor in the situation. Does your assailant have a funny haircut? Now’s the only time you’ll have to tell them, so let ‘er rip. Of course, while you’re waxing calm and comedic, boot up that Amygdala of yours to panic mode so you can figure out an escape plan that doesn’t involve a coffin. Most importantly, though – never let them see you sweat.
Hit the Books
Henry Jones, Jr. has a PhD – perhaps the sexiest of all degrees – and you think you’re big time with your community college certificate of completion. Just like you don’t go to a construction site without your tool belt, you don’t take on the Nazi empire without stuffing your head full of knowledge first. Until you can translate an ancient riddle written in a dead language and solve it to find out where the baddies are holding your best girl hostage, you might want to pick up a library card and take some night courses. And you thought you’d never need Algebra or Sanskrit in the real world.
Love ‘Em and Leave ‘Em
Not knowing whether you’ll be in Cyprus or Micronesia next week makes it difficult to maintain a steady relationship. But you’ve got needs, and it just so happens that Cyprus, Micronesia, and other assorted exotic locales are perfect for finding a fly-by-night romance. In fact, if adventuring properly, your arch-nemesis will probably provide you with a gorgeous one night stand. When she delivers you into the hands of your enemy, it’s a good time to call off the wedding. Or the second date. For practice, try picking up a stranger at a bar. Speak in grandiose terms and drop in cool archaeological fun facts into the conversation. Pull them close and kiss them deep without asking permission. The worst that could happen is you’ll get slapped and then kissed again. Make love with reckless abandon and have a ready quip to say when you leave the next morning. “That grail isn’t going to find itself,” seems to work. If you’re too shy to find a stranger to fling with – practice at home by making out with your hand. Just make sure not to call your hand the next day.
Develop a Healthy Fear of Snakes
Snakes are poisonous hell-beasts that ravage the land with their very existence. You’d do well to avoid them at all costs. If you’re not already afraid of snakes, have one bite you. By the time you wake up out of your coma, you’ll have a new psychological trauma related to the legless ones, and you’ll have grown braver by facing danger. Two birds with one bite.
The best thing about Indiana Jones is that he’s a real guy, but not exactly like you and me. With some dedication, his skills are attainable. Get into a graduate program, make some enemies, adhere to a life philosophy, be romantic in your spare time, face a few dangers, and you’ll be on your way to adventure. Combine your new skills with the gear listed in Part One of our Become Indiana Jones Feature, and you’ll be the spitting image of a guy who was named after the dog.
*The Rejects don’t condone having babies, let alone using weaponry around them.