Everybody Wants to Kill Bruce Willis in These Two Mash-ups

By  · Published on December 28th, 2016

And it’s the best movie he’s ever been in.

Bruce Willis is and always has been my favorite action star. He’s just a guy, you know? A badass with a high pain threshold and uncanny luck, sure, but at the end of the day he’s the sort of fella you want to split a sixer with, the sort of fella you want to take to a game, the sort of fella you want to keep away from your sister and girlfriend. He’s a man’s man and a ladies’ man, a charming rogue as quick with a barb as he is with a punch, a blue collar do-gooder with a bad streak, and an Average Joe with an above-average penchant for finding and eluding trouble.

When you settle in for a Bruce Willis action movie, you know you’re getting the whole package: explosive, ballistic action, of course, but also humor, drama, intrigue, and a dash of that trademark-Willis wounded heart. He’s warmer than Stallone, cooler than Schwarzenegger, has better hair than Segal and is only slightly more difficult to understand than JCVD, which makes him, in short, the perfect genre icon.

With this spirit in mind, editor Pierre-Alexandre Chauvat four years ago crafted the mash-up Everybody Wants to Kill Bruce, in which he pitted the star against characters from 39 other movies, all in pursuit of Willis with the aim of taking him out of the picture. It was a monumental accomplishment of editing, storytelling, comedy, and Willisology, and ever since fans have been holding their collective breath for a sequel.

Three weeks ago, our patience finally paid off.

That’s when Chauvat released Everybody Wants to Kill Bruce 2, and believe me when I tell you it was worth every second of the wait. I wish to god these were real, feature-length films starring Willis, and would gladly watch them over any and all of the direct-to-video, indistinguishable throwaway thrillers the actor is actually making these days. This is vintage Willis right down to the underlying tone, and Chauvat clearly appreciates as much as do I the brooding romanticism and fallible masculinity of that big, bald teddy bear we affectionately call Bruno.

Both films are included below, and both fall in the 10 to 12-minute range. For best results, watch them back-to-back on a loop while pounding cans of Budweiser you then crush against your forehead. That’s how I did it.

Related Topics:

Novelist, Screenwriter, Video Essayist