Because You Asked For It: A ‘Captain Planet’ Live-Action Movie

By  · Published on July 19th, 2011

Since the entire planet will implode next year due to all the cars and cows butt-spitting noxious gases, and because of the overwhelming success of Avatar accredited to the presence of blue-skinned humanoids, Cartoon Network plans on making a live-action Captain Planet movie.

The press release states that the network would be pairing with producer Don Murphy to make the film a reality. Amongst his credits are, of course, Natural Born Killers, Shoot ’Em Up, and the Transformers franchise so a movie where a blue guy in a midriff-showing unitard flies around handing out magic rings to children sounds right up his alley.

Of course, the elephant in the room is that this movie comes at a time where man-made global warming is still being discussed in the public square. Producer Susan Montford will also be working to bring the movie to theaters, and she had this to say: “With the earthquakes, tornadoes, melting icebergs and all the other problems threatening the world right now, Earth really needs her greatest defender.”

Words fail. What actor will they convince to cover himself in body paint for the role? My vote is for Step By Step’s Sasha Mitchell because 1) his awesome flat top 2) his fighting skills and 3) he was last relevant when Captain Planet was last relevant.

Movie stuff at VanityFair, Thrillist, IndieWire, Film School Rejects, and The Broken Projector Podcast@brokenprojector | Writing short stories at Adventitious.