Essays · Movies

9 Ways To Survive a Michael Myers Attack

By  · Published on August 28th, 2009

If there is one roving menace that still haunts the world in which we live, it is the threat of possible attack from Michael Myers. There came a time when we at least knew what and when to expect such an event, bracing ourselves each All Hallow’s Eve for what seemed like an indestructible killing machine. Oftentimes we’d watch helpless as our babysitter, our teenaged sons, our fornicating friends were all shuffled off this mortal coil by the Shatner-faced villain and yet sometimes we felt the bravery to fight back.

Now, we can’t even be sure when he’ll attack since he’s sneaking up on us at the end of August instead of waiting until the end of October. He’s getting sneakier, and that means we have to become even smarter.

So, if you want to avoid being stabbed to death, electrocuted violently or thrown out of a window, take heed and follow these 9 Ways to Survive a Michael Myers Attack and get ready to keep your eyes open for educational opportunities after Halloween 2: The Second 2 sees Myers attacking us all over again (this time teaming up with Rob Zombie to make sure absolutely no one is alive or awake by the end of the massacre).

9. Keep a Fire Extinguisher and a Mine Shaft Handy

As we learned in Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers, a fire extinguisher is not just for putting out fires. It can also be used to blind giant serial killers until the police can show up with their many and varied firearms. The harsh chemical/mine shaft combination has not been proven to be a long term solution, but it will definitely give you enough time to escape to safety. The technique may be hazardous for hermits living near the mineshaft, but in a time of crisis, you cannot be concerned about the lives of anti-social drifters. Focus on saving yourself.

8. Avoid the Thrill of Fame

I realize that the call of micro-celebrity has us all gripped tight like that seven months we were hooked on meth. But do not give in! Sure, you are (like most people) probably incredibly good looking, young, and willing to massage someone’s genitals with your mouth on camera, but don’t do it. If a reality show comes knocking at your door offering you cash and scholarships to stay in Michael Myers’s childhood home (as featured in Halloween: Resurrection), just politely decline and direct them to that bitch Donna’s house. She probably deserves it. Also, you’ll probably be fine if you’re Busta Rhymes, but do you really wanna risk it?

7. Appeal to His Sense of Family

After a massive wave of murdering, it’s hard to remember that Michael Myers is, after all, a family man. Whether he’s under a curse or the embodiment of evil, he really cares about his family even as he hunts them down to kill them. Judging by the way he stops killing everything in sight when Jamie Lloyd calls him ‘Uncle’ in Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers, we can safely assume that it’s a great diversion. Just don’t stop to wipe the single tear that will fall from his big sad eyes. This will only serve to enrage him and send him right back on his killing spree. Yell out ‘Son!’ or, if you really want him confused, ‘Aunt Michael!’ and then tell him you’ve had a lovely time, but you really, really have to get going or you’re going to miss a dentist’s appointment, then sneak out before he tries to serve you desert. You know, like you do with the rest of your annoying family.

6. Appeal to His Hatred of Being Hit With a Lead Pipe

I realize that so far a lot of the techniques have been to simply avoid the killer or to distract him, but if you’re feeling ballsy, one of the best maneuvers is to take the killer head-on at his own game. Toss some corrosive chemicals into his veins and then smash his brain in with a lead pipe as the smart teens of Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers did. Fair warning: this too is a temporary solution. Also, getting too close to Myers may mean you become the target of the curse he’s under or something stupid like that.

5. Shoot Him Seven Times

Don’t bring that weak ass revolver to this fight! If we’ve learned anything from using bullets on Michael Myers in Halloween, it’s that six shots just doesn’t cut it. He can even fall off a damned roof after having a full round emptied into him and still disappear mysteriously to haunt another sequel. For safety’s sake, unload every bullet you have in the clip and in any and all subsequently clips you have on your person. Even if it doesn’t kill Myers, it’s about your only chance to shoot a gun 337 times in a residential neighborhood like you’ve always wanted.

4. Don’t Hang Out with Laurie Strode

Look, I don’t care how popular or attractive you think Laurie Strode is. She’s not worth it. Don’t be her friend. In fact, don’t be friends with anyone named Laurie just in case. Don’t even talk to her. If you see her in the cafetorium between classes, throw tater tots at her and kick her in the shin. While you’re at it, go ahead and transfer out of that doomed school and tell your parents to move to a different town. If we’re all playing our part, Laurie Strode will be a friendless loser with nowhere to turn when Michael comes for her. But you can rest easy knowing she’s being brutally murdered and not you.

3. Enlist in the KISS Army

In what can only be considered an experimental option, being a huge KISS fan just might do the trick. In Rob Zombie’s version of Halloween, young Michael Myers is donning a KISS fan t-shirt which means he’ll either spare you as a fellow fan or that he was forced to get that shirt at the thrift store and has no idea what it says. However, it’s more likely than not that he likes to rock ’n’ roll all night and part of every day. Get him into a debate of who’s more awesome, Paul or Ace, and he’ll be way too distracted to think about knifing your face. That was an unfortunate rhyme, but you see where I’m going.

2. Chop His Goddamned Head Off

It took eight educational films on the subject, but finally someone just does the obvious in Halloween H20: Twenty Years Later and removes Michael’s brain from his brain stem. One of the best ways to avoid being killed by Myers is to kill him first by severing completely his spinal column. Unfortunately, you may very well have to watch out for pesky, unimaginative writers who try to claim you accidentally killed an innocent man instead of Michael just so they can cash in on the franchise some more.

1. Leave Him Out of Your Movie

You really want to avoid being killed by Michael Myers? Just don’t invite him to the party. It may mean you have to deal with enchanted masks, but who the hell hasn’t laughed their way through that non-nightmare before? Take a cue from Halloween 3: Season of the Witch. You should be fine as long as Myers is nowhere near the credits.

Editor’s Note: This list was loving compiled by survival experts Cole Abaius and Robert Fure with advice from Rob Hunter (mostly he just sat in the corner picking at his fingernails with a huge hunting knife and mumbling about getting revenge).

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