by David Christopher Bell
It’s hard to have a wedding in a movie where something terrible doesn’t happen; it wouldn’t really be that fun to watch otherwise. It’s not totally unrealistic – after all, crazy people get married too. If we actually lived in a world of mutants and superheroes, they too would get married and it would probably go as well in real life as it does in the movies.
Here are some of the most extreme weddings in films – weddings that, provided the bride and groom survive (and not all do), are going to produce some incredibly crazy offspring.
8. Kyle and Laura in Very Bad Things
If you had to call a dark comedy “by-the-book,” this movie would be just that. It’s a film to point to when defining the genre because it has just the right amount of hilarity and horror to make the audience unsure what to feel by the time the credits roll. The quality of the film is extremely debatable now – and it seems like that polarization is another sure-fire attribute of the genre.
On the outside, this wedding looks like any other. A few delays, sure – but they pull it off, and happily it seems. Little do they know what horror is lurking right in the adjacent stairway, as the psychotic “best man” gradually approaches with the rings. Not to mention that when all is said and done the blushing bride is no less disturbed, if not the most disturbed.
I gotta say, between this and Vanilla Sky, Cameron Diaz really knows how to play crazy.
7. Susan and Derek in Monsters vs. Aliens
Now, this is a wedding when the problems are much more apparent. You know it’s not meant to be when a meteor strikes you on your wedding day – and you know it’s really, really not meant to be when said meteor turns you into a 50-foot-tall monster bride. That’s no longer bad luck – that’s divine intervention.
It’s always frustrating to see the cast list for animated films because you know that they would most likely never get the same people to do something live-action together. This movie had Reese Witherspoon, Seth Rogen, Will Arnett, Rainn Wilson, Hugh Laurie, Paul Rudd, Kiefer Sutherland, and Stephen Colbert in it. That’s a damn good cast for such a forgettable film.
6. Elizabeth and Will in Pirates Of The Caribbean: At World’s End
What a stupid time to get married. I don’t care how much you love each other – not only is it irresponsible but rather insulting to the lives you are taking while getting adorably hitched. And boy did they take a lot of lives – it’s hard to count each one with all the action going on, but roughly 15 people are stabbed to death during their ceremony.
Think about that – 15 people wrenched away from their mortality, and in this moment of humiliation their last fleeting thought is “Are those two seriously getting married right now?”
Next thing they know they are sitting at some shitty underworld dock waiting to be taken to the afterlife – but of course the guy who’s supposed to be bringing you there is freaking busy sword fighting in a giant whirlpool or something. What a terrible afterlife it must be when you need to take a goddamn boat to heaven.
5. Justine and Michael in Melancholia
It’s really saying something when the second half of this film when the world ends is not nearly as hard to watch as the first half during the wedding.
I’ll just come right out with it – if you’re spending your wedding night getting it on in a golf course hazard with a complete stranger, that’s really not the best start.
But the real victim isn’t so much the groom as it is the guests. The happy couple arrives hours late to a reception of people waiting to eat. Dinner is served, followed by a horrendously bitter speech by the bride’s mother. After this it’s time to cut the cake, but there is yet another delay as the bride has decided to sneak off and take a freaking bath. Then her boss smashes a few dishes, the wedding couple splits up, and Earth crashes into a big planet. It’s just an overall shitty few days.
4. Beetlejuice and Lydia in Beetlejuice
Promising to marry someone because they are the only one who can stop your parents’ friend from accidentally causing rapid aging to your ghost friends during a séance-turned-exorcism is not something a teenage girl tends to prepare for, however if it had to happen to anyone, Lydia seems like the best candidate.
I always wondered how the circumstances of the film transferred over to the TV show. After all – in the show Lydia is best friends with Beetlejuice and the Maitland couple are nowhere to be seen. What happened? What understanding did they come to? Also why is the town suddenly named something different and the ghost world completely changed? Something fishy happened – my guess is either that Lydia has fallen prey to some kind of mischievous spell, or it’s just a kid’s cartoon and I should just lighten up. Not sure which.
3. The Bride and Groom in Kill Bill Vol. 2
Yikes. It’s not even the wedding either, but just the rehearsal! That’s some cold shit, right there – killing someone at their wedding rehearsal. That’s like heckling someone at an audition, but with guns.
Not entirely sure who to be mad at actually – There’s Bill, who murdered everyone at the wedding in cold blood… but there’s also the Bride, who thought it was a good idea to have her wedding in Texas, where Bill could easily find her. Anywhere that’s not the United States would have probably been a better choice. For example, Canada… no one goes to Canada. Of course in that scenario she might not have been able to snag Samuel L. Jackson to play piano.
That actually brings up a tough moral question: is it worth having Samuel L. Jackson play piano at your wedding if it means that everyone but yourself has to die? It’s a hard thing to ponder because on one hand, everyone you’ve ever loved dies… but on the other hand, Samuel L. Jackson playing piano at your wedding. I think the answer is different for everyone, so it would be arrogant of me to support one over the other.
2. Charlie And Rose in The African Queen
“By the authority vested in me by Kaiser William II, I pronounce you man and wife. Proceed with the execution.”
Cute.
This really is an adorable film. Watching Katharine Hepburn get more and more rugged over the film alone is entertaining as hell – but considering his most well known role, it’s also great to see Humphrey Bogart play such a lovable goon.
The pure twisted nature of the ending marriage really comes from that quote above. While the concept of getting married right before an execution is quite dark, the fact that person ratifying the marriage is the same person performing the execution is really what hammers this home. Even that quote doesn’t do the moment justice; it’s the swift transition in the Captain’s words mixed with the newlyweds’ bittersweet glee that truly makes this one of the most emotionally confusing movie moments.
1. The Bride and the Monster in Bride Of Frankenstein
Not… technically a marriage in that it’s hardly consensual… and there’s no priest or guests… and it’s in a big castle and the bride and groom are reanimated corpses, but I guess that’s why it’s such a perfect number one spot.
Poor Frankenstein’s Monster – reaching out like a goofball spewing “frieeeend” at his bride to be like your average teenage boy. Seriously we’ve all been there, but it’s usually some drunk girl at a party that gets scared off, not the person specifically made to be your mate. No wonder he then blows up the castle – who hasn’t had that urge to detonate everything around you after an embarrassing rejection in front of all your friends?